What I Really Want- May 16th

             My life is a little complicated, not in the sense that there are a lot of problems or difficulties I face. Although those are apart of my life. By complicated I mean my thinking is all wonky, that is the only word I can use to describe it. I care about others more than myself and everything I want and need is put second. I don’t know why that is but it is the way I live my life. I make sure everyone I care about is happy and set for the next few months of their lives, yet they cant find it in their hearts to worry about me. It makes no sense. Why would I care more about them when they cant find the time or energy to care about me. I understand that everyone show how they care in different ways but I don’t see how asking how I am doing or if I need anything is a hard thing to do. It pisses me off. Like a lot. I am twenty years old and boy do I have a mouth on me. I don’t mean like I say horrible things and I bad mouth everything/one. What I mean is that I speak my mind and am honest with everyone no matter how hard things are for them to take. What is life without honesty? I give them what I want to be given. I can’t decide if that is a bad thing or not. Maybe Both?

After all this time I have decided that I am going to write down what I want. No one may be reading this or maybe someone is and maybe you feel the same, this is my outlet for all my frustrations, try it?

What I What:

·      Move to California

    Go to school out there

    Or

     Just move out there own my own

·      Be healthy

    Right now typing this I am at a Perkins In Bloomington eating the most delicious Chicken Melt Sandwhich with Coffee and French Vanilla Creamer- it is 10:39 pm and I am waiting for my mom to fly in from Texas. This meal is probably the least healthiest thing to eat.. well like ever but my server, Pearl, screwed up my order- I wanted a half sandwhich and a piece of pie but nooo… she got me the full sandwhich, French fries AND PIE!!! I feel like I am going to explode.

   I watch a couple YouTuber’s who make fitness videos, Marissa Lace/Kathryn and Nicki Blacketter. They are the only people in my life that are actual inspiration to become healthy but I think the real reason I am having troubles is because I am doing it for the wrong reasons. I want to loose weight and become healthy for revenge to everyone who has doubted me and made me feel like shit. I have to want to do it for myself. 

·      I want to be able to blog frequently

    I suffer from this problem where I have no creative thoughts- ever. Its like when my motivation is high, my creativity is low and vice versa. Its so troubling. I also have this weird love for office supplies but I never use them! I love my laptop to much- I feel that if I write everything down on paper, I am not utilizing my laptop- god I am so weird.

·      Write a book

      All of the YouTuber’s are writing books now a days and that means people are forking out money for these books- and I am totally doing that- but all these books are inspiring me to write a book. I have no idea what I want to write about, I frequently write down little romance blips I have in my head but writing a whole book! It scares the absolute shit out of me!

Right now in my life these are things that I want, they are big life changes and not materialistic items they are just ways I want to improve my life. I digress a lot in this post, I hope you kept up!